what to do when a four year old bites a younger sibling

Dr Laura,

My 4-twelvemonth-onetime hits my 9-month-old. It is very difficult to see any danger signs with him as he will button or striking her out of the blue. One infinitesimal he is sitting there patting her gently and cooing and so in a flash he volition push her over or hit her. There is not much outward anger in his feelings so I struggle to know how to deal with the situation as I feel silly saying to him, "You are angry" when he shows no signs at all of beingness aroused or upset; he seems to just do it for the fun of it.

— Belinda

If we saw his anger, frustration, or jealousy it would be easier because at to the lowest degree we could understand that. But when he acts similar a common cold-blooded slap-up "for the fun of information technology," that strikes terror into our hearts: Nosotros're agape that our child is becoming a monster. Simply although he is acting monstrously, he is non a monster. He is our kid, showing us in the simply fashion he knows that he desperately needs our help.

Source: iStock/Used with Permission

About parents, though, find it hard to assistance our kids with big feelings, because we never learned how to manage our own feelings (except to numb ourselves through "little addictions" like nutrient or screen time). In fact, nosotros observe that when our child cries or rages, it pushes all our buttons. Unbearable feelings swamp us. So we, too, lash out to avoid our own feelings. Instead of helping our child with his feelings, nosotros punish him. Or, if we realize that penalization will brand things worse, we say sternly, "No striking! Striking hurts!" and hope that'due south the finish of it.

Except it isn't the terminate of it. You can count on him hitting her again, because he nevertheless has all those monstrous feelings. They war within him against his affection for his piffling sis. He volition pat her gently and coo over her, and to his shock suddenly observe himself gripped with the desire to clobber her. That doesn't mean he's a monster; it means he's a modest child trying to manage feelings that have undone many older humans. As my son said well-nigh his baby sister when he was four, "I hate her. I don't know why. I just practise." (Positive prognosis section: They're now 23 and 19 and adore each other.)

Then the reason your child has a blank expression is because he is trying NOT to feel at those moments. What he feels — the fright that he isn't good plenty compared to the baby, the grief of having lost his special place in your family and in your eye — is so upsetting that he can't carry it. When information technology starts to swamp him, he lashes out so he won't accept to experience it. The reason his face up looks blank is that he is trying to numb himself.

Unfortunately, every time he chooses to push her down instead of pat her gently, he deadens his empathy. Every fourth dimension we respond with anger, his heart hardens more. Soon we come across only a mask of numbness, the blank expression of a fortress.

How practise we reach through that fortress to help our child repossess his heart and his empathy? How exercise we help him manage his emotions and then he can manage his beliefs? Almost advice tells us to first spending more time with him. That'due south essential, but "attention" is not plenty to heal what'south going on. Whatsoever child who repeatedly hits is showing that he feels like a monster, and he knows he can't trust us to understand his monstrous feelings. So he pushes all those terrible feelings downward within, but that means he's pushing abroad skillful feelings, too. He disconnects from us. His loving cup is empty, but filling it is tough considering he can't accept in our love. So we take to build trust, safety, and connectedness, and and so we have to assist him with his tangled-up feelings.

ane. Connect with him in healing ways. Edifice trust and connection by spending half an hr a day just being 100 percent nowadays with him is an essential start. Let him decide what to exercise with the fourth dimension. But pour your love into him and ignore all distractions. He will love existence the heart of your attention, knowing that making him happy matters that much to yous. Maybe almost important, he will see how much you enjoy him, which is the foundation of his feeling of self-worth.

• Family Dynamics
• Discover a family therapist near me

2. Build condom, and assistance him giggle out his worries, through play. Every child needs to giggle every day, and a child who hits Actually needs to giggle about aggression and fearfulness, so whatever mock assailment games that get him giggling will be very healing and volition strengthen your connection to him. Most kids will come up up with the games they need:"Let's play I'm the monster and I'yard scaring yous!" Ham it up and act mock-terrified. If he doesn't, start a pillow fight and act terrified of him when he comes after y'all with the pillow. If he giggles, you'll know you're on the right rail.

You can also initiate a game of stuffed animals in which a new baby enters the family unit. Let him take the pb on all the misadventures that are bound to befall the babe, as information technology is accidentally fed to the sharks or thrown into the garbage. Play is nature's harmless way of helping children process their emotions, and anything that gets him giggling is venting some of those same emotions that otherwise cause tears. (At that place are more games on the Aha! Parenting website and in my book.)

Family Dynamics Essential Reads

Another fashion to help your child surface his feelings is reading books that get the word going. Here's a whole page of books for older sibs most the new baby. But be sure that the book shows that all feelings are immune, just doesn't evidence siblings engaging in unkind behavior, which is not the role-modeling you want. Hopefully these books will get him giggling, every bit the protagonist makes forbidden remarks about how the new sibling is smelly or a nuisance.

While reading books together is a groovy way to get your child laughing, don't be surprised if he hurls the book beyond the room. If he doesn't want to have the discussion, you've struck a chord. Acknowledge his feelings gently: "You don't similar this book! I wonder if sometimes you feel bad within about OUR baby." You don't need to analyze whether what he feels is rage or jealousy. He'southward felt it all. Just acknowledge what you see: "You are upset" or "You threw the volume; you don't want to read it."

3. When your kid hits, go offset to the sibling who is hurt. You'll feel an urgent need to teach your trivial hitter a lesson, merely just stop and have a breath. The child who needs yous right now is the ane who is hurt. Talk to the hitter later; he isn't going anywhere. Comforting your injure child will move you lot into a more nurturing place, which is what y'all need to access when yous deal with your hitter. I know: You want to punish him. But what you really want is to stop the hit, and the only way to practise that is to help him with his feelings. That means you accept to encounter information technology from his perspective, not encounter him as the enemy.

four. Help him get by his anger to the tears and fears beneath. When he hits, fifty-fifty if y'all don't meet whatever sign of a specific emotion, y'all can trust that upsetting feelings are driving his actions. After you lot make sure your other child is OK, your goal is to help your kid surface his feelings so he can "prove" them to you and permit them become. The proficient news about human emotions is that in one case we feel them, they vanish.

And so movement right in shut, get down on his level, and look him in the eyes. Yous may see merely a blank expression. Keep breathing and remind yourself that he is a expert kid who needs your aid, and then you lot can stay kind and at-home. Sympathise. "That was hard....Your sis was crying...I see you felt bad....Tell me near information technology."

Create a safe space for him to prove you how he feels. It'south lone behind that mask. If he doesn't speak upward, begin describing what you think he might feel: "I wonder if it's difficult for you sometimes, to have the baby in our family now..."

As you summon upwardly all your compassion and try to see information technology from his point of view, his acrimony will pause through his numbness and he may begin to shout at you lot how much he hates you, or his sister, or his life. That's good: Anger dissolves the numbness. Tell him it'south OK to be angry, that you want to hear more almost information technology. Stay calm, and kind, and understand: "Oh, Sweetie, you feel like I am mean, and never sympathize? I'm so lamentable. That must injure so much." You lot won't need a lot of words, just your open middle.

You may have tears in your optics, which is function of what will movement him into his own tears. One time he breaks through to his fear, he may writhe and struggle and yell and sweat. Somewhen, he will be crying in your arms.

5. Support the office of your child that is doing such brave battle within, the part that is good and truthful and would protect his sister if anyone else threatened her. Notice every positive matter he does, particularly (but not only) in human relationship to his sibling, and say what you see:

• "When you showed the babe your toy, she was and then happy."
• "Y'all are patting so gently."
• "The baby e'er laughs more than for you than anyone. She worships you."

vi. Encourage the sibling bond to strengthen the part of your child that wants to protect his sibling. Sit your older child on the couch next to you and put the baby in his lap. Teach him how to "smell" the peak of her head. Researchers believe that the pheromones given off by the pinnacle of a baby's head disable our ambitious impulses, making it more likely that babies will survive to pass on their genes. The more often your older child inhales your infant'due south pheromones, the more protective he will exist of her.

There are many other means to encourage the sibling bond. Play games in which the two of them team up against y'all. Brand a volume with photos of them having fun and read information technology regularly. Encourage them to make drawings for each other. Aid each one make or buy small presents for the other, even if the infant doesn't really understand what's going on. Permit your older child be of import in the infant's life past helping in ways that make him happy: "Sounds like our baby woke upward; permit's go get her." Reduce rivalry in every way yous can think of, such equally by saying, "Every bit before long as my easily are costless, I want to help you with that," rather than, "I'm busy with your sis correct at present. I volition help you side by side."

vii. Prevention. It is our responsibility to proceed our children prophylactic. Nosotros might retrieve yous should be able to leave a nine-month-old alone with a 4-year-old, just right at present, you lot have learned, you lot tin't. Wishing things were different is a disservice to both children. Just don't do it, and stop resenting information technology.

I'm not maxim to blame yourself when someone gets injure. I am proverb to take responsibility for prevention, just as you would with whatever other danger. When he pets her, move in shut. Smile and say, "I am right here, Sweetie. I volition aid you be gentle." When y'all notice that he'south getting cranky, sit with him in his chill-out nook to help him refuel, or encourage him to spend some replenishing repose time in that location himself. If he does hurt her, take your share of the responsibility that you weren't there to help him with his feelings and prevent information technology. That will make him less defensive, so it's easier for him to take his own share of the responsibleness.

This won't concluding forever. Once y'all help him with his feelings, he'll outset managing them better, which is what lets him manage his behavior. And sooner or afterward, your children will forge a deep bond of their own.

higginbothammothip.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201505/why-kids-hit-siblings-and-how-help-them-stop

Share this post